Many of us have heard, and use, the term “conditional love.” Conditional love occurs when we express our love or approval when others act or look a specific way, but withhold approval and affection when criteria are not met. It may look like a parent providing praise to their child only when they receive above 80% in school. It may mean a partner saying words of love when you have lost 10 lbs and then criticizing you when you have a sugary snack. We commonly see it in others, where through movies, on tv, or perhaps even in relationships we are part of.
But what about conditional love of ourselves? Such as, only loving or being happy with ourselves when we lose 10lbs, get that promotion, or ace that exam. We all have an inner dialogue. That voice can be kind and caring (e.g. you did your best and that’s really what counts, you still have lots to be proud of) or critical and mean (e.g. you failed and that’s the bottom line, you’re a loser). When life seems to be going well, we can acknowledge our accomplishments, note our strengths, and appreciate what we bring to the world. But when things are not going so well, that voice can get mean, dominant, and loud. It can be ruthless. When we hear it and listen to it without negating it, it becomes louder and more pervasive. At times, this negative voice can run the show, leading people to feel incredible self-doubt, embarrassment, anxiety, and a fear of trying new things. As we live in a world where our worth and value is often determined by comparing ourselves to others, we often measure our successes and failures against others. We must be the best/top/first or it’s not good enough. We may avoid trying if we don’t think we can be the best, why bother?Without interrupting these negative dialogues, many people struggle to see their worth and inherent value and find themselves in an unwinnable argument- where they are both the bully and the bullied.
If we only measure ourselves against others, how do we ever truly feel success? Value? Joy?
Self-compassion is the antidote to conditional love. It has been found to reduce anxiety and depression in people and can allow for a greater sense of life happiness. After learning to determine our worth by comparing ourselves to others, adopting a core of self-compassion can be very difficult, but it’s rewards make the effort worth it.
There are three main components to self-compassion:
Common Humanity. The knowledge that we are alone in our challenges and suffering. In fact, suffering is part of being human. None of us can live a life without experiencing tragedy and hardships.
Mindfulness. This is awareness; recognizing when that critical voice is taking over and trying to knock you down. The key here is to notice it, but not judge. If we become judgemental about our feelings “ie I can’t believe I’m being critical about this”, then we again become both the bully and the bullied. Just recognize and acknowledge the emotion or thought.
Self-kindness. Here’s where it can feel uncomfortable. Instead of listening to that critical voice and agreeing with it, I invite you to talk to yourself as you would a friend. If a friend came to you and told you the problems they were experiencing, you would not berate them, you would meet them with kindness and love. Think of what you may say to a friend and try directing those words to yourself. For example: “you are amazing; I love you; this will get better; I’m here for you.”
When this practice becomes more natural, take some time to really listen to your body and identify what it needs to feel better. Do you need to talk to a friend? A warm bath? Some Netflix? A walk/run? Listen to your body and try to meet your stress and discomfort with kindness.
By Petra Wood
Registered Provisional Psychologist
