Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.
Pema Chodron
What is empathy?
Empathy is feeling with people. It a sacred space of shared pain and understanding. Empathy is sitting in the dark cave with someone so that they are not alone. It is not, frantically looking for a light switch while constantly reassuring that we will get out as soon as possible.
Empathy is vulnerable because in order to connect with someone, you have to connect with something inside yourself that knows that feeling.
How do we cultivate empathy?
1) perspective taking
2) staying out of judgment
3) recognizing emotion in other people
4) and communicating an understanding of their feelings
What empathy is NOT
Going for the bright side. Finding the silver lining. Convincing with logic. Problem-solving for others. Giving advice.
Our culture is rampant with the desire to look on the bright side, find the silver lining, and stay positive. Positive psychology is largely misunderstood as an attempt to stay positive at all times. What can happen if we try to help someone struggling stay positive by trying to point out the bright side, a silver lining, or correcting their reality with logic is that we can inadvertently invalidate their feelings. Invalidation further adds to their struggle and painful emotions, leaving them feeling worse rather than better.
Rarely does an emphatic response begin with “at least.”
I had a huge fight with my boyfriend. At least you have a boyfriend.
This pregnancy is really hard. At least you can have kids.
In the face of very difficult conversations we are drawn towards trying to make things better – so we try to fix it – by problem solving, giving advice, going for the bright side, highlighting the silver lining, or convincing with logic. In doing all of these things we miss out on the opportunity to connect with someone in deep struggle, and inadvertently leave them feeling more alone.
Connection is key.
What makes someone feel better is not the response we give, but rather the connection we cultivate through shared understanding and compassion (empathy). Sitting in the darkness together.
We are social beings. We are bred for connection. One of our most fundamental needs in life is for attachment. As infants, without connection we would die. As adults, without connection we struggle deeply.
Sympathy vs. Empathy
Sympathy is not empathy.
Empathy heals shame. Sympathy exacerbates shame. Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.
Empathy is, “I can only imagine how rough that must be” Sympathy is, “I’m so sorry for you (and lets be clear – I’m over here).”
Stay tuned for another post about how to provide validation when someone is in struggle.
Written by, Dr. Amanda Stillar
Registered Psychologist
